28th Birthday

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday dear me,
Happy B…. Oh god, only two more years to 30.

Birthdays are strange. Everyone younger then you comments on how old you are but at the same time everyone older then you remark on your youth. As a result you are both young and old at the same time. Either way it means I am still too old to have Bobo the Clown at my birthday party. At least I can go out celebrating by having a few drinks with my friends and making a clown of myself.

Merry Christmas

I’ve managed to resist the urge to feel, shake, prod, probe and x-ray the presents under the tree so far but there is not much longer to wait now.

I hope you all have a great Christmas and New Year. Don't forget to be good for Santa.

Flying

This weekend I flew back to England to spend Christmas with my family. It’s a trip I’ve made quite a lot in the last few years. The flight between the two countries is so short that I suspect the airplane takes a run and jump towards England rather then actually flying through the sky.

This might also explain why the music from Back to the Future always pops into my head as the plane speeds down the run way like Marty McFly in the time traveling Delorean. However, I am fairly sure that a plane has to be going faster then 88mph to take off and there is little danger of it traveling through time when it does so. If it did a wide range of new holiday options would suddenly become available.

I have only experience bad turbulence once in all the years I have been flying (a fact that I am not too upset about). It was during a flight in the winter. The plane was constantly shaking and dropping a few meters. Every time it happened everything within the plane seemed to stay suspended in the air for a second before realizing they too should be affected by gravity (I believe this is called the Wily E. Coyote theory of course and affect).

A lot of people were starting to get worried, including myself. There were cries of panic, a near by child threw up; all that was missing was Scotty from Star Trek screaming, “She canna’ take much more captain!”

Things were looking very bad. Then I noticed something that almost made me laugh. At the front of the plane there was a group of English tourists returning from a weekend in Amsterdam. Every time the plane dropped in one of its stomach churning losses of control they threw their arms into the air and cheered as if they were riding a roller coaster. Suddenly the situation was no longer scary and a short while later we landed safely.

If comedy can make a situation like that seem alright then maybe airlines should think about having a trained comedian onboard and replacing the oxygen masks with Helium.

Hang Over

Today I am very very hung over. Last night was the office Christmas party and I am now suffering for my abuse of the free bar and my bright idea that I should order as many drinks as I could carry (at least three) on each visit.

However, not everything about a hang over is bad. Once you get past the pounding headache and the ill stomach there are some benefits to having a hang over.

I don’t have to be intelligent, fast or witty today. I can be as slow and dim witted as I want. I don’t have to expect anything from myself so I can freely walk around in a daze. This also means every achievement, no matter how small becomes an epic accomplishment. Even the act of rolling out of bed this morning takes on the same level of achievement as climbing Mount Everest. Being able to write this post with a hang over may even be equivalent to the greatest accomplishment of non-hung over man kind.

I'm going to crawl under my desk and hide now until the hurty pain goes away.

What Not to do in a Power Cut

Sometimes I think I have an unhealthy dependency on Technology. It could almost be called an addiction. It makes me wonder how I would survive if I found myself trapped on a deserted island with out working electronics.

I realized the level of my dependency on technology a few days ago when a power cut suddenly plunged everything into darkness while my flat mate and myself were watching TV. It did not take us long to work out that the power would be out for a while and we would have to make preparations.

Our first challenge was to find illumination. After lighting a few candles this problem was easily solved and at the same time gave the room a Charles Dickens like atmosphere.

The second challenge was to save the frozen food. We took the easy option and didn’t.

Challenge three was to find non-technology based entertainment to keep our selves amused until the power came back on. This was a problem for us.

However, we were in luck. The battery in my laptop still had power so we could use it to watch a DVD. I turned it on and we started the lengthy debate about which movie to watch. Selecting a film is not a straight forward choice. There are several considerations that have to be made. Do we want a mindless movie with scantily clad ladies and explosions? Do we want a movie that demands our attention with a plot that has to be followed? Is the porn on my laptop hidden well enough? Can I trick my flat mate into watching Ghostbusters for the millionth time? We spent sometime pondering these issues. In fact we spent so much time thinking about it that just as I was putting the DVD of choice into the laptop the battery suddenly died and we were right back where we had started. Turning it on at the start didn’t seem like such a bright idea any more.

However, there was another option and a few moments later we were crowded around my PSP (Play Station Portable) watching Serenity (I had suggested Ghostbusters) on its tiny 4.3inch screen. It was a sad act of desperation. We must have looked like a group of lost arctic explorers desperately clinging onto their last source of heat. A few scenes into the movie we both decided we need to get out more.

I think I know what I would be doing on that deserted island now. As everyone else tries to builds shelters, find food and treat the injured from the plane crash I would be working on a way to power my PSP with coconuts and debating with the islands monkeys what movie to watch.

Jogging

Red faced, gasping for breath and trying not to collapse after finally catching up with my flat mate during my first evening jog in a long time I was barely able to wheeze out the words:

“Dam… I can’t… even keep up… with a thirty-three… year old smoker… with a bad… back.”

Yes, I have decided it is time to get back in shape again. It might take a little while but it seemed like a good idea to start the New Years resolution early.

If you see a red faced ginger Englishman in a jogging outfit face down on a Dutch street as he tries to recover from lung collapse you will know it is me. Wish me luck.... then call an ambulance.

Meme: Ten Things I Will Never Do

I’ve tagged by Alan from Random Burblings to inform every one of 10 things I will 'never' do in my life time.

1) Enjoy an Adam Sandler Movie:
I have never found Adam Sandler funny and I never will. I am still scarred from the time I was forced to watch ‘Little Nicky.’ That movie stole time from my life that I want back. I look forward to the day when audiences can sue the makers of bad movies. I've got a long list ready.

2) Be a morning person:
I can never wake up in the mornings and I don’t like coffee. I just stumble around for a while like a zombie in search of the shower and pass out again on the train to work.

3) Think Paris Hilton is a talented person and a good role model for the youth of today:
I’m not even going to start on this subject. I’ll only get angry and burn down every store stocking copies of her album.

4) Remember my college summer ball:
Drinking student punch at a pre-ball party is not a good idea. They make it very strong. My only memory of the actual event is waking up in a hallway in the recovery position after my friends had put me there. I was up and about again in time for the last song.

5) Understand how to use a Mac:
I’ve tried. I really have but I can not work them out. PCs might not be perfect but neither are Macs. I also don’t like the way a Mac is more like a fashion statement then a computer or Apples patronizing and inaccurate representation of PC users. Can’t we all just get along? If a Mac user ever tries laughing at me because my PC is not cool I just make them cry by asking when they will be getting the latest games release.

6) Be able to dance with out having a few drinks first :
It’s not easy getting the ‘sober and embarrassed vs. drunk and stupid’ balance right but when it is achieved I can dance the night away with out feeling shy or falling down.

7) Approach a lists like this seriously:
It’s just not in my nature.

8) Work in food retail again:
For a lot of my college life I worked part time in Iceland (the frozen foods store and not the country). I hated every second of it.

If you do not believe the old truth that the worst thing about working in retail is the customers (followed quickly by the employer) then I have a story to tell you. An old man once approached me and asked where he could find our ice-cream. It was a rule that we had to show customers to the location of something rather then simply point out the direction. As I led the way I suddenly felt his hand brush across my ass. It was worrying but it seemed like it could have been an accident coursed by walking too close, an embarrassing but innocent mistake. Then it happened a second time and there was definite feeling. I started walking a lot fast in a panic, pointed out the ice-cream and kept on going. My pace got even quicker when I heard him ask if I would reach into the freezer and get him an ice-cream from the bottom. To hell with customer satisfaction.

9) Be able to think of a number 9 in the list of 10 things I will never do:
I’m drawing a blank… um… I’ll never have an army of robot zombie mice. There you go.

10) Spell dyslexic with out the aid of a spell checker:
Dyslexix, dyslxix, deslxic….. bugger.

(Tag: BlondButBright, Bonestorm, ChickyBabe and VallyP but only if you want to)

Boom Chicago

As someone who has worked in the theater industry I am used to running around unseen in the shadows backstage while actors perform before their public. However, I am not accustom to actually standing on stage in the presents of an entire audience who are waiting for me to say something funny, only equipped with a microphone to defend myself if things turn ugly.

I’ve been to the Boom Chicago Comedy Theatre in Amsterdam a few times but my first visit will always be the most memorable for me because it was when I found myself in the above situation. The show is a mix of improvisation and sketches and it was during one of the improvised scenes that I was called up on stage.

I was enjoying the performance with a friend (who was visiting from England). At first we didn’t really know what to think when one of the comedians asked the entire audience to stand and were only allowed to sit down again as he said things such as, “sit down if you have a tattoo,” or “sit down if you’ve had sex in the last 24 hours.”

Since I didn’t have a tattoo or a love life I remained standing. In fact I remained standing for quite a while as other people sat down. When there were only four of us left I realized two things: (1) I need a tattoo and/or a girlfriend and (2) something embarrassing was potentially about to happen.

It was not long before I found out because I was the last man standing and had to go on stage to help with the next improvised sketch. I was given the simple task of coming up with the title for a song but my mind went blank with embarrassment whenever the microphone was pointed towards me as if it was some kind of Kryptonite. Inspiration finally came to the rescue in the form of the logo on the T-shirt I was wearing but at the cost of turning me into a walking nerd stereotype in one simple sentence. “Atari is cool.”

I'm still not sure why I said it but when the title was rejected for being too short (artistic differences) I came up with a new suggestion and the smash hit, “Atari is really cool,” was born.

I thought I was off the hook as the comedian started to sing this moving tale of 80’s computer games but every few lines the song would suddenly stop and I had to provide the next line. The ballad told the epic tale of me on a heroic five hour Atari playing marathon, ignoring anything that stood in my way, end of level bosses, sore thumbs and a nagging girlfriend (who could have prevented me having to go on stage if she was not fictional). Suddenly I was a god amongst geeks and I had groupies.

Any heckling was quickly silenced with a shout of, “Shut up! This is Stuart and Stuart ROCKS!” from the singing comedian. There were chants of, “Stuart Rocks,” during the rest of the show (which led to other sketches about me).

A few weeks later I took my parents to see the show. When it came to the same part of the performance I was quickly off the hook when we were told to, “sit down if you have ever been on stage.” However, my mother was still standing. She remained standing for quite a while. In fact she was still standing when it was down to six people. At this point I started to worry but I was able to breathe a sigh of relief when she finally sat down (third to last). I was relieved for two reasons: (1) I did not have to be embarrassed while watching my Mother on stage and (2) she had sat down before the, “have you had sex in the last 24 hours,” question and no child should know that much about their parent’s sex life.