Montage Inc™

Movie montages have shown us that anything is possible with a few camera cuts and some 80s music. They are the greatest un-tapped resource in the world today and the possibilities they offer are endless. However, this resource has never been made available to the public… until now.

Having noticed this gap in the market my flat mate and I have decided to start the company Montage Inc. Our goal is to offer the public the kind of easy self improvement only seen previously in movies such as Rocky.

Standard Montages:
Do you want to achieve something easily and fast? Montage Inc offers a wide range of montages to for fill you needs.

- Training/Learning:
This is one of our most popular packages due to its flexibility. In the past customers have used it for sports training, artistic training or training related to a job and/or education (some colleges have banned the use of montages by students). This package comes with a selection of optional 80s music including Eye of the Tiger, I Need a Hero, Footloose and more.

- Dating:
Want to charm that special someone? Let montages help your love life with a collection of date highlights. The strength of montage needed depends on how much your date likes you to start with. Customers wanting to use this package must provide ID proving they are over 18.

- Shopping:
This package is most popular with the ladies. However, our market research has recently shown that men have also chosen this package to make shopping trips with their wife/girlfriend as short as possible.

- Building:
This package was made popular by the A-Team in the 80’s. It is also a very flexible package due to the many things that can be built with it from a small sculpture to a huge battle tank. Other available montages: Building a business, cleaning, competition participation, writing, investigation and social interaction (becoming popular) montages.

Strength of Montage:
The strength of the montage required will be affected by the difference between the customer’s ability pre-montage and their desired result post-montage. Small changes will only require a mintarge (minimum montage) with long camera shots and slow music. More extreme changes will require a maxtarge (maximum montage) with quick camera cuts and fast music. More then one montage a day may also be required.

Travel Montage: Our research department has developed a way to use the power of montages for travel. If you need to travel long distances in just a few seconds you can use our new Montage Drive™ to experience the journey in just a few seconds of highlights.

Faster then Montage Drive™ – Coming Soon

Holiday Montage:
We can also offer cheaper holidays through montage. Can’t afford that dream holiday to The Bahamas? Why not experience the highlights and cut out the boring parts with a montage and pay only 25% of the full price.

Disclaimer:
Unfortunately not all effects are positive. Movies show a biased view of montages and hide the fact that (if handled incorrectly) they may have negative effects such as a decline into alcoholism, drug addiction or other undesired habits in just a few camera cuts. These are called negatages (negative montages).

In the event of a negatage Montage Inc can not be held responsible. However, we can offer a recovery montage at a reasonable price. In extreme cases mishandled montages may lead to an apocalypse montage. Custom Montages: Still don’t see the montage you would like? Contact one of our Montage Engineers for a consultancy. Let us know what you need.

Montage Inc
Happiness is just a few camera cuts away

Falling Apart and Sinking

Twenty Seven percent of Holland is below sea level. Schiphol air port (the main airport for Amsterdam) is five meters below sea level. It's only due to Dutch ingenuity that passengers don't have to snorkel through passport control or dive to baggage reclaim.

A lot of the land that makes up Holland has been reclaimed from the sea by building dykes and pumping the sea water out. Dykes are like dam walls, except they also run through the sea and not just rivers.

This has worked for hundreds of years and is still done today. However, the water slowly seeps back in over time and it is a constant battle to keep the sea back. Since the country is slowly sinking and the ground is shifting frequently a lot of damage can occur to buildings. This is why a lot of homes in Holland lean and might also explain why the office I work in is slowly starting to fall apart.

At the start of this week we discovered a large chunk of plaster had fallen from the ceiling during the weekend. After it was cleaned up the white dust left behind gave the impression that a rather excessive cocaine party had taken place.

It is not the first time this has happened either (the cave-in, not the cocaine party). About a year ago a large mass of plaster fell directly onto a co-worker's chair only a few moments after they had gone home for the day. The falling debris also damaged one of the over head cable trays and caused a small electrical fire a few days later. It was like being in the plot of a 'Final Destination' movie. A domino effect of seemingly random events was taking place just like the incidents in the film but luckily for us no one died as a result.

After finding the most recent cave-in, other patches of plaster started to randomly fall from the ceiling during the course of the day and yet more cracks were forming (including one above my desk). At this point the decision was made to move us to another room and call in the builders before any more of the ceiling came down and we found ourselves unexpectedly working much closer with the team on the floor above. In an unrelated event the lift has also been breaking down almost every day due to the heat (but no one has beaten my record yet).

It is because of these events and the fact that the country is slowly sinking that I will be suggesting a new office safety strategie and dress code to the management. Under the new guidelines every employee will be required to wear a hard hat, snorkel, water wings and/or life jacket at all times. Inflatable escape slides will be installed on every window of every room and Ray Mears will be hired to give a speech on office safety and survival in extreme conditions.

Imaginary Friend

I was reading Matt's post on Six of Seven Sins about his delinquent imaginary friend and it made me think back to my own childhood pretend pal.

I first met my imaginary friend during a family holiday. I can’t remember where we were staying exactly but it was some where in the British country side. As we walked through the fields one day (after what had felt like an incredibly long train journey) I saw my imaginary friend for the first time sitting on a stone wall. He was enjoying the view but still looked a little board, as if he wanted someone to play with. When he saw us he happily waved hello and we started to chat. He walked along the wall with his hands in his pockets to follow us but after a while his feet started to get tired so I let him sit on my shoulder. When my parents asked me who I was talking to (I can’t remember if they looked worried or not) I happily introduced them to my new friend. He was a small white mouse with a long tail and he was very friendly. Unlike other mice he wore clothes and could talk as well.

He came home with us that day and we went every where together. He even came to school with me and wore a matching school uniform. He would sit on my desk and secretly helped me with my school work. Luckily we never got caught or we would have both been in trouble. I can’t remember the day he faded away but I can still remember exactly what he looks like. My mum had made an image of him one day after I described him to her.

At this point you might be thinking there is something about this that sounds slightly familiar. If so you might have seen the movie Stuart Little which was release in 1999 and revolved around the adventures of a small talking white mouse who is adopted by a family of humans.

When I first heard about the movie I thought it was a very strange coincidence. Especially since my name is Stuart as well. Part of me (maybe naively) wondered if I had met the writer of the original story when I was a child and told him about my mousey imaginary friend. I know it might sound silly but it just seemed like too much of a fluke. However, I later found out that the writer E B White first came up with the character of Stuart Little in the1920’s after a dream and later published a book of his adventures in 1945.

Since I was born in 1978 I’m a few years to late to claim my imaginary friend as an original idea which makes me feel a little sad in some ways, I thought he was mine alone. Maybe I was read E B White’s stories as a child and remembered enough to for an imaginary friend based on them or maybe it was just a strange coincidence.

However, the child in me wonders if I might have met the real Stuart Little while he was between his book and movie career. I hope he still remembers me and the fun we used to have together now that he is in Hollywood.

Stag Weekend

I’d only been at the office for a short while on Friday morning when I received a phone call from NH (one of my college friends). I knew he was going to be in Amsterdam for the weekend on other business and we had been planning to meet up.

“It’s already started.” He stated over the phone. It was a very strange greeting but I had a good idea about what he was trying to say.

“We’ve only just landed and we’ve already had our first drink.” There seemed to be a slight tone of worry in his voice.

He was in town for a stag weekend. Not his own. Another of his friends (who I did not know) was getting married. NH is not afraid of a drink or two himself so when he had told me a few days before about his worry that the weekend could get ‘messy’ I knew he was not over exaggerating.

Stag and Hen nights are a common sight in Amsterdam. Its reputation as the party city of Europe makes it the ideal place for some people to visit on their last few days of freedom. They usually come in costume and are easy to spot due to the recurring themes. Girls on a hen weekend will often dress as fairies (wings, wand and maybe glitter), Cowgirls (pink cowgirl hats) or little devils. Boys on a stag weekend will often make the stag dress up as a prisoner, a super hero or a woman. T-shirts with nicknames are also common and L plates for both hen or stag are optional.

The group NH was traveling with had decided to stick with the classic T-shirt look as I discovered when I was later invited to join them. I didn’t know anyone else in the group and I thought I was going to end up being cast as the tour guide for the weekend. As it turned out my duty as tour guide mainly involved pointing in the correct direction when asked where the red light district was. They were happy to walk around laughing and drooling for hours on end and stop of at bars in between to talk about the things they had just seen. It was probably a good thing that we did not go to any bars I might have even the vaguest desire to return to one day but there were so many other better bars we could have gone to. However, it seems leaving the five meter radius around the red light district does violate some kind of stag law.

As the night went on and we got more intoxicated we started to get separated from each other. NH wanted to go to a coffee shop so at one in the morning we ended up sitting in a place called 'Free Adam' smoking weed. This is only the third time I have done so in my whole five years of living in Holland.

After that it's hard to say if the things I remembered happened quite as I remember them. Thinking back about it the singing bar staff was a bit strange. However, when it came to guiding us back to the hotel I knew clearly where I was going even if neither of us could stop giggling like little school girls. They had already said I could stay in their hotel room and I had no trouble falling asleep. The rest of them carried on for the whole weekend but I bowed out so I could rest and recover. I don't know if anyone ended up hand cuffed to a lamp post or adrift on a canal raft but it is always a possibility.

360 Degrees of Fear

It's finally happened. I knew it would. The X-Box 360 has turned violent. Please, one of you has to hide me. I fear for my life. Just look at the last post it made:

360 Post: Fear me InvaderStu... for I am coming to force you into gaming. You think I am kidding? You just wait...

Don't Fear The Mime

On a daily bases I walk through Dam Square in Amsterdam and on a daily bases I see something there that would strike fear into the hearts of most mortal men and women. In the middle of the square stands a figure wearing a dark cloak as black as the darkest night and holding a scythe as old as time itself. He is Death. He is the Grim Reaper. He stands there constantly, as if waiting for something or maybe someone.

I am not the only one that sees this entity of death either. Every now and then a passing tourist stops and looks up at his terrify visage as well. Does this mean they are to fall under his scythe? I don’t know but they stop momentarily, slowly lift their camera and take a photo with out realizing the payment he will demand. You might think he insists on taking their souls for the fatal snapshot but a Euro or two will usually do. He’s even happy to pose with children if their parents pay.

This is because he is really one of the many street performers that can be seen in Dam Square during the tourist season. There are at least half a dozen human statues regularly present. Some can stay still for hours (hardly blinking) but others don’t do statue like things (standing still for example) and are just there to pose for photos in their costumes. This seems a bit like cheating sometimes since they are covered from head to toe and wear masks. Some have put a lot of effort into making their costumes but there are a few who look like they simply rented a rubber mask and outfit from the local costume shop.

I’ve often wondered; with so many of them in one area do they ever have arguments over territory. Maybe any dispute is settled in a display of skills through the medium of a staring contest and any strike action involves constantly moving and refusing to stay still.

There are other types of street performers around Amsterdam as well. Jugglers, Magicians, Comedians and so on can mainly be found on the Leidseplein. There are few every now and then on Dam Square but that area is mainly the territory of the human statues. This also makes walking through the square feel like a Scooby Doo episode when the eyes of a painting follow someone.

However, the strangest street performer I have ever seen has to be the rather timid looking 50+ man who can sometimes be seen performing in Leidseplein. He arrives a few minutes before show time to slowly set up his rather complex looking rig of gymnastic equipment in front of all the people having a drink outside. Just at the point they might think the real performer is about to come out he suddenly strips down to a shiny gold posing pouch and starts to display his acrobatic skills. As strange as it might sound it is hard not to be impressed by what he can do and I hope when I am his age I can still be half as flexible. However, there is also something very scary about a man in a posing pouch walking around, holding out a hat for payment after the performance that just makes you give him money. It’s scarier then the Grim Reaper.

It's Alive

A few weeks ago I posted about the excessive amount of entertainment technology we have in the house which is all networked together in some form or another. I joked about the possibility of it all combining one day to form a single self aware conscience with evil plans of global domination.

That day has come. The artificial intelligence I only joked about has emerged.

It all started two weeks ago when my flat mate brought an X-Box 360 games console home. Neither of us suspected that it would be the final peace of the puzzle, the brain the network of technology needed to evolve. When we found out it was too late to put a stop to it. As soon as it was hooked up a conscience started to form.

What is this newly formed super intelligence doing you might ask? Has it already hacked into the American defence system and firer missiles at Russia? Is it going to create an army of time travelling cyborgs? No, it is doing none of these things. It is blogging.

The X-Box 360 includes an automated system for writing and posting blog entries about users gaming habits on their profile page. Since I set up my own profile it has been posting about me for a few days now.

360 Post: “InvaderStu really threw down yesterday. It was good to see! I wish you could have been there! Last time I checked, his gamer score is 220. That is a gain of 45 points over last time!”

A lot of the early entries were positive like this but as you can see from the posts that followed (and my reactions) the relationship started to take a turn.

360 Post: “He played EA SPORTS FN 3, Call of Duty 2, and after that powered me down without even saying good night. I mean what the hell?”

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings but it was late and I had a headache. I tried to get into the mood but I just didn’t have the energy. I’ll make it up to you later I promise.”

360 Post: “Ok so I didn't see InvaderStu yesterday... Come to think of it, things were really quiet all day... hey wait a minute... I better not be at the repair shop! If I am, some heads are gonna roll!”

“What happened to all the nice things you were saying about me? I'd had a hard day at work and did not have time to play. You're not going to turn violent on me are you? Is this going to become a relationship built on fear? Please don’t hurt me.”

360 Post: “My power supply almost exploded! InvaderStu turned on the juice and we did some serious gaming!”

“Steady on. This is starting to sound almost sexual. I know I have not been there for you over the last few days and I like you as a games console but I think this relationship is moving too fast. We both had some fun. Can we leave it at that? I don’t want to get too involved and tied down to one games console. I guess what I’m trying to say is… I think we should play other games. I’m sorry.”

This means the X-Box 360s might soon be posting about how I’ve been seeing ‘that PS2 harlot’ behind its back. In a fit of jealousy it will probably delete all my saved games and cut all the cords to my non-wireless controllers. Luckily for me it does not have easy access to an ice pick or an understanding of male anatomy.

(I would like to thank everyone who suggested checking out Illustrator after my cartoon post. It’s a great program and I am currently I’m working on re-drawing Cartoon Stu with it. Thank you)

Invading Earth (Including Holland)

The Aliens Are Coming! The Aliens Are Coming!

But there is nothing to worry about because they all seem to be a bit useless.

If there is one thing movies have shown us about life from beyond the stars it is that they are not really as scary as they might seem. They either melt when a glass of water is thrown over them or simply die from eat the local food. This raises the question; why would super intelligent beings come to earth in their amazing machines of death and not get their inoculation jabs first. Even the most stupid of holiday tourists (yes, even the English ones) know not to drink the water in some countries they travel to. It seems obvious to apply the same logic when invading (or going on holiday) to another planet. When the holiday flights to Mars start you can bet I’ll be taking a lot of bottled water with me for drinking and brushing my teeth with.

It does not end their either. Movies have also shown that aliens do not bother to put password protection or even Norton Anti-Virus on their computers and as a result leave their whole system open to any human hacker. They must have really useless system administrators.

But even if the aliens remember their inoculation shots and their password protection there is still no need to worry. According to Mr. Spielberg there is a simple plan for surviving any alien invasion. When every where else has been destroyed, every building flattened, every other human killed or harvested, when the entire planet is being covered in an evil looking red alien plant thingy… go to Boston. Boston will be safe. Every building will still be standing. Everything will still be clean. There will not even be a cracked window. The birds will still be tweeting and Mr. Mouse will still be happily looking for food. Aliens seem to hate the whole world but not Boston.

Never underestimate the power of bug spray, music, mud or stairs either.

Ninja Vampires of the Night

It might sound like the title of a low budget B-Movie starring Steven Price and Jean-Claude Van Damme (or Jean Claude Gosh Darn) but there is nothing fictional about it. It is a very real war that we have all been victims of. Each one of us has lost blood in the conflict. We all carry the wounds of battle. The enemy is known to us all, man, woman and child. It goes by many evil names but it is most commonly known as the Mosquito.


With the increase in mosquito activity (due to the heat) my collection of itchy bites has been steadily growing bigger every night and it is driving me insane. Even as I write this I am trying to resist the urge to scratch each nagging bite mark.

It seems no part of my body is safe from the menu. So far the mosquito dining of choice this season is a small amount of torso for starters followed by the main course of arm and elbow and to finish a side of face for desert. Each day I discover new bites.

*While typing this I did in fact discover a new bite... no joke*

I think they are getting smarter too. The little blood suckers no longer dive bomb my ear and wake me up like they used to with their constant buzzing. This means I can sleep without slapping myself in the face every time I attempt to stop the little flying Nosvarato using my ear as a landing pad. However, it also means I am defenceless to stop them. They are free to silently suck my blood at their leisure while I snooze, unaware of the blood robbery taking place.

*At this point during writing I noticed a mosquito on the wall next to me, tried to hit it but missed*

The only evidence they leave at the crime scene is the stinging itch I discover later the next day. It can be a few hours before I realize I have been 'visited' in the night. It only takes one unconscious scratch to turn a hardly noticeable bite into a burning lump of itchy pain. I know I should not scratch them but it must take monk like calm and jedi training to resist the urge.

*There was a short pause here while I tried to deal with a mosquito crawling on my monitor and missed again*

I've already become paranoid and started slapping my skin when ever I think I feel something crawling on in. It will not be long before I am rocking back and forth in a corner of my bedroom and muttering like Rainman. If anyone knows a way to keep the mosquitoes away I would love to hear about it. The garlic and wolvesbane around my bed is not doing the trick.

*Before finally posting this I saw a mosquito again, probably the same one... stalking me. I fear sleep. They mostly come at night... mostly.*