Invading Holland Tours

You may not be aware of it at the time but when you become an expat you agree to abide by an unwritten rule. There are some variations on this rule depending on what country you come from and where you are going to but the underlying principle stay the same.

"As an expatriate you here by agree to provide the serves of tour guide to your new country of residence for any and all visiting family, friends, friends of friends and friends distant relatives. You will there for be expected to know the location of all the best, hotels, restaurants, bars, clubs, museums, art galleries, historic buildings, tourist spots and (in the case of some visitors) prostitutes and drug dealers."

I have been subject to this rule on several occasions and its not always easy. Most expats never get around to trying any of the local tourist activities in their new country until someone comes to visit. The first important step that most people forget is to work out what kind of tour visitors will want. It's no good taking someone to the Anne Frank House when they would rather be sitting in Hash Frank's Coffee Shop.

In an effort to aid other expats in Holland with this problem Invading Holland Tours has provided the following guide of available tour types. One tour from the main list should be combined with one or two of the optional extras to create the desired result.

Invading Holland Tours Main List

- Smokers Tour:
This is one of the easiest tours to give because your visitors will rapidly become too stoned to do anything else other then search for the nearest snack provider. In this case it is best to find a coffee shop near a Febo to help give their visit a more authentic Dutch feel.

- Drinkers Tour:
This can be the most messy of the tours and even more chaotic if the tour guide becomes drunk as well. You will need a basic knowledge of good bars and clubs in the area but as the drinking continues you will find visitors become less picky and/or conscience. If you find yourself in the Absinthe Bar you know you are in trouble.

- Cultured Tour:
Some of your more sophisticated visitors may wish to visit the many museums and art galleries around Amsterdam but lets be honest, if your visitors are English and in their 20s the chances of this are low. However, if it should happen a small collection of museums can be found in the Museumplein.

Invading Holland Tours Optional Extras

- Prostitute Tour:
Amsterdam is famous for its Red Light District. Some of your visitors may want to simply look around, others may want to see a live show and one or two may go missing for half an hour and come back with a strange rash.

- Canal Tour:
Maybe the best ways to see Amsterdam is via one of the many canal boat tours. Falling in a canal however is the worst ways to see Amsterdam. In either case it is important to avoid drink the water.

- Un-cultured Tour:
Museum visits don't only have to be for intellectuals in the group. If your visitors are a little more open minded maybe they would like to visit the sex, hash or (if they are into S&M) torture museum.

Disclaimer

Invading Holland Tours can not be held responsible for any problems, hangovers, canal floods, bicycles accidents, boredom, or body snatcher invasions during your tour.